


hey, don't do it please

by myyueliang



Series: soon it gets better [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, deals with mental illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27128770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myyueliang/pseuds/myyueliang
Summary: There were three unspoken rules in the Lee family, number one, your studies were a priority, above friends and most certainly above your own mental stability.Number two, mother knows best.And number three, everything is okay.(In which Jisung learns it's okay not to be okay from a boy on the bridge.)
Relationships: Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Series: soon it gets better [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025019
Comments: 20
Kudos: 142





	hey, don't do it please

**Author's Note:**

> Title from my R 
> 
> Thank you to one of my favourite oomfs [Aestia](http://twitter.com/aestia5) for beta-reading !! 
> 
> A minor warning that this does deal with kinda sad stuff, so trigger warning. If you are currently dealing with depression, I don't suggest reading this.

Midnight walks were the best.

Midnight itself was quite a pretty time. To be fair, any time after midnight and before sunset was a pretty time. It's just easier to romanticize midnight. After Taeyong left, he had the constant urge to be out, to be far away from home. He still hasn’t seen Taeyong yet, all his calls went straight to voicemail every time he dialled.

The second the house was all quiet, he left.

Taeyong used to do the same, sneak out the backdoor to see his friends. He was the one who showed Jisung all the floorboards in the house that made no noise. He was the one who showed him how to sneak back through the open window in the laundry room.

“You’re supposed to be the responsible one,” Said Jisung at the time. It wasn’t even like he had anywhere to sneak to, any friends to meet. “Aren’t older brothers normally supposed to-”

“Maybe I want you to sneak out. Get a life, you know?”

“I’m fine without one.”

He was. Mother expected all of them to come out perfectly. A social life wasn’t on the top of her agenda, after all, a social life was just a distraction from their studies. Taeyong and the twins both managed perfectly, however. Jisung felt no need to interact with anyone, just follow mother’s plans without any complaint.

There were three unspoken rules in the Lee family, number one, your studies were a priority, above friends and most certainly above your own mental stability. 

Number two, mother knows best.

And number three, everything is okay. 

Jeno’s door was still open when he snuck out, the light was on, and he was reading his notes again. Mark’s door was shut, and Jisung knew for a fact that the window was open, and Mark was away. Mark didn’t like staying in their house anymore than he did. The only difference was that Mark never liked it inside. 

The only difference was that Mark was happy outside. 

He didn’t know where to go, he never did. Because when was the last time he hung out with friends? He didn’t know anywhere that people in his school normally hung out. Especially not the places they hung out at after hours (Not that he’d want to know). 

So he just walked. Walked until the sky started getting lighter, and got a taxi home. Neither of the twins mentioned anything about it. He doubted they even noticed. 

Today however, he had a destination. He had a place to be. He took a bus to the nearest metro, and stayed on the metro until his music stopped. The train car had a mix of people, everyone looked so tired. A business man on his phone, who almost missed his stop, rushing out before the door closed. Two teenagers with way too much makeup on. A woman with her hood up that glanced around every other second. 

It was funny, you think of the midnight train as something empty, and so devoid of people, and yet you’re here, sitting among ten other strangers. Twelve o’clock didn’t feel so late anymore.

If he was a kid, he would’ve been staring out the window with childlike wonder. But he wasn’t, and he resigned to staring at his phone. He counted the stops in his head.

Subway roulette was always a fun game, but today he had somewhat of an idea of where to go. Jisung checked his phone for any messages before he got off at his stop, his most recent was from Taeyong, five months ago asking where he was. He didn’t reply to that one. He should have. 

The Han river was quiet. The view from the Mapo bridge was the same as it usually was. He wasn’t an artist, but if he was, he’d draw the scenery over and over again. Until each minute’s colours were muscle memory. It had been raining earlier, and as he walked, he looked down at the light reflections on the bridge.

He almost walked past the boy sitting on the edge. 

A little voice in his head, one that sounded oddly like his brother, the voice screamed at him to do something. The boy looked like he was about to jump. Jisung didn’t know why, but he spoke up. “Don’t do it. Please.” 

The boy turned around, shock on his face, and he looked like he was just crying. 

Why did he say that? Taeyong wasn’t here to chastise him anymore, so why would it matter if he just let someone die-

“That’s a sixty foot drop,” Blurted Jisung, he started rambling. “It’s not enough to die on impact. You’ll break a bunch of bones, and you’ll still be alive. You’ll die in a lot of pain, you know? It’s unlikely that you’ll survive, but-”

“You’re Jisung. Mark and Jeno’s little brother.”

“You know me?”

The boy frowned, “Most people do. You don’t know me?”

“It’s dark.” Jisung squinted for a moment. He was never good with faces. He remembered the functions that they had to attend, he used to cling to Taeyong as a kid. Taeyong would talk to anyone like he’s known them since forever. He was their mother’s favourite for a reason.

“Zhong Chenle. I’m in your class. I’ve been in your class since grade three.”

That was a name he associated with the bright boy in his class. Bright, loud, and occasionally part of Mark and Jeno’s shared friend group. He was pretty. That was what he always thought. Pretty, and unbelievably good at making people laugh.

Rich and likeable. Made varsity in sophmore year. That was more of general knowledge though. It didn’t matter though, people like him didn’t associate with people like Chenle, but this night was proving it wrong. 

Jisung’s lip parted in recognition. “Nice to meet you I guess.” He didn’t know what he’d do. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. All he could do was take off his earbuds, and shove his phone in his bag. 

“Nice to meet you too,” Chenle laughed quietly. 

What would Taeyong do? He didn’t know anymore. It’s been so long since he talked to his brother. He sat down on the bridge. “It’s nice isn’t it? It’s so pretty here. My brother has a friend who paints really well, he took me out here for a bit, because my brother thought I was too lonely.”

(Ten talked quietly for a bit, while Jisung watched in awe. “Yongie’s worried about you.”

Ten was the son of a CEO and his trophy wife. The splitting image of a perfect family. However, the amount of times he’s seen Ten crying quietly in Taeyong’s room says otherwise. 

“He always is.” Jisung stuffed his hand in his pockets. “Enjoy the sunset. I’ll be heading home now.” He remembered how Taeyong left a week after he watched Ten paint. At least his brother’s friends won’t try to include him out of pity again.)

The first few days after Taeyong left were the hardest. Johnny did stop by, concern in both his actions and his words. Jisung stayed in his room while Mark talked to him a bit. Forever the golden child. No one would ever hate Mark, he didn’t even have to try to be perfect. He just was. 

Captain of the varsity basketball team, dating the love of his life since seventh grade, Kang Mina, and student council president. Top of his class, while Jeno came a close second despite how hard he studied. Jeno was the most determined one out of all of them, the one who worked the hardest. Father’s favourite. 

Taeyong was mother’s favourite though. No matter how perfect Mark was, mother always scorned him. Hated him enough to send him to some boarding school off in Canada for the entirety of elementary school. 

That aside, Taeyong was everything, he was everything their parents wanted them to be. 

Chenle looked out to the river, “Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Lonely,” Clarified Chenle. “Was your brother right? Are you lonely?”

Jisung stared off into the distance for a moment. He didn’t know how to answer that, to be honest. Change the subject, his mind screamed, so that’s what he did, “You should come down from there. Today’s not the best day to jump. I mean most days aren’t, but I don’t know. There’s this nice place that opens past twelve that serves the best coffee.”

Chenle blinked, he smiled apathetically, “Who said I was jumping? Maybe I just came here to cry.”

“Not a very good place to cry. People will call the police you know, you’ll be in a mental institute in seconds. It’s not a nice place to be, and from what I could tell, it’s kind of lonely.”

“Most places are pretty lonely.” Chenle was still up there. Jisung didn’t know what he was supposed to say if he jumped. What is he supposed to even do? 

He fidgeted nervously with the hem of his sleeve. “Sometimes, I feel like that too. Especially when I’m home. It was easier when Taeyong was home. He used to play piano for at least an hour. I don’t know any pieces or anything, but I liked it. I mean I used to hate it, to be honest, but now I miss it so much.”

“You talk a lot more than I thought you would.”

“You talk a lot less than I thought you would,” Retorted Jisung without a trace of venom in his voice. “Besides, some study in the world shows that people talk a lot more when they’re tired.” And besides, he never found any reason to join into others' conversations. He was fine not surrounding himself with even emptier people.

“So why are you out here if you’re tired?”

“So why are you here crying?” Asked Jisung in retortion. “Question for a question.”

“Because life sucks. Why else would someone be crying at midnight.”

“There’s plenty of other places to cry, places that isn’t atop a guardrail on a bridge with one of korea’s highest suicide rates.” 

Chenle shrugged, “But what’s the fun in that, Jisung? Maybe I’ll slip today, maybe I won’t. The fall won’t be the worst part of it all, it’ll be the small duration of time that I’m still alive. But it’ll be over soon.”

“Or maybe you won’t, and you’ll live another day. You’ll realize in a few weeks that maybe life isn’t so bad. You might go through bouts of sadness again and again afterwards, because despite what life tells you, recovery isn’t linear. And maybe eventually, you’ll be somewhere else, far away, and you’ll be alright.”

Chenle laughed humourlessly, “Empty promises from an empty boy.”

That hurt. He wasn’t empty, the hurt that still lingered in his chest proved that. He wasn’t empty, the headache that lingered from this morning was a repeated reminder that he wasn’t okay. That he hadn’t been okay to begin with, and that recent events only revealed that he hadn’t been okay for a long time. 

“Please don’t take your hurt out on me,” He said quietly, pulling his sleeve down once again.

“Am I wrong, though?” Chenle’s tone was lifeless. He didn’t look like the boy Jisung knew. Even though he hardly did know Chenle. Or anyone. 

“I don’t know.”

Jisung stood up, and cautiously climbed up to join him. He ignored the stab of pain that went up his arms as he pulled himself up. It had been raining, and the guard rail was slippery, one wrong move and he would go flying down. “It is a nice view up here.”

He was terrified. He didn’t want to be up here in the slightest. It was scary, and he wanted nothing more than to be back on the bridge. The other boy could probably tell, anyone could. 

“I was here a few weeks ago too,” Admitted Chenle quietly. “I was too scared, I think. Today was supposed to be my day. Why did you of all people have to come along? Why would you even try to talk someone down?! How stupid are you?!”

“Academically no, but Taeyong used to tell me that I was emotionally aware, but yet so incredibly stupid. I didn’t understand what he meant. But-” But now he did. Now he knew. He had no clue what to do. 

Chenle looked at him in concern, “You don’t get lonely sometimes?”

“I have everything I need.”

“You don’t get lonely? Not when everyone’s talking so happily with one another around you? You don’t ever feel empty while everyone else is full of life. Or do you just not fill the need to fill whatever hole in your heart.”

“I don’t need to talk to people to be full of life.”

“But are you?”

“I don’t know.” He didn’t know a lot of things. It was easier to stick to his studies, because everything had a concrete answer. With humans, it was completely different. It was hard to tell anything. 

“You’re not like any of your siblings, you know?”

“I’m not.” But why would that matter? His grades are good, and he participated in her stupid charity things. He’ll go into law school without any complaint. And he’ll support his father’s stupid campaign without complaint. He was neither of his parents favourite, the youngest who barely got by, forever in his brother’s shadows. His mother had once called him the runt of the pack, she wasn’t wrong.

(But all the things he’s doing, that was what drove Taeyong away, he thought. That was what drove Taeyong to leave him. So why was he still doing everything his parents asked of him? Taeyong asked him quietly once, “Is there anything you want to do? Mother and father are control freaks, they want what’s best for us. But-”

“I don’t really want anything.”

“Sungie-”

“I just- I don’t want to go to any law school in America. I want to go to Seoul National university, I don’t care if their law program isn’t the best, I just-” I just want to be like you. He faltered, and sighed. “It’s okay though. Mom will understand. right?”

Taeyong looked like he was about to cry. He couldn’t understand why at the time, maybe Taeyong understood what he didn’t say. That was the last time he hugged anyone. He wished he held on tighter, maybe Taeyong would’ve stayed. 

Who was he fooling, Taeyong wouldn’t have stayed for him).

“It’s cold,” Said Chenle. He swung his legs over the guard rail and jumped, he landed fine on the slippery bridge. “Today’s not my day, is it?”

Jisung simply shrugged. “I hope I’ll never see you back here again.” He followed Chenle, trying his hardest not to slip. Of all the days it rained.

Chenle laughed, “Maybe not.”

He walked home, sneaking through the laundry room window, and into his room. Mark’s window was closed, Jisung assumed that Mark had snuck back before him. Mark was probably on his phone, texting the love of his life good night. Mark had everything. It was so unfair sometimes.

Jeno was still up, he spared Jisung a glance before redirecting his stare back to his textbooks. If Taeyong was still here, he would’ve covered Jeno with a blanket, and told him softly to not stay up too late. Jeno always stayed up, he worked so hard, just to be constantly in his twin’s shadow. 

But it has been different lately. He wasn’t the only one impacted by Taeyong leaving. Jeno and Mark were just as upset, even though neither of them were as close as Jisung was to him. 

“Night, hyung.” He muttered quietly. _Don’t stay up too late. ___

__Jeno looked up, and gave him a tired half-smile, “You’re soaked. You didn’t get any on the carpet, did you?”_ _

__He shook his head, and awkwardly closed Jeno’s door for him. Taeyong’s bedroom had been mostly abandoned since he went off to university, but on the occasion that he stayed over, he would still be up, working on his music. Mother never wanted any of them to pursue a career in art, or even a minor in art. It just wasn’t allowed._ _

__It was cold, and for a moment, he didn’t miss his brother. All he could think about was the boy on the bridge._ _

__-x-_ _

__School was uneventful as usual._ _

__The counsellor pulled him aside, to talk about life goals, and to talk about how he was concerned, or whatever. He stared awkwardly at the wall clock until the bell rang, and he left with a quiet, “Thank you for your time.”_ _

__He’s heard teachers whispering among themselves when they thought he wasn’t listening. They didn’t know what to do with him either. His parents didn’t particularly care anymore, but back in elementary school, they would come back from parent teacher interviews with scowls, arguing back and forth about who’s fault it was._ _

__Judging by the brochure in Jeno’s hand, and the angry look on his face, he had been called in for the same reason. The pink haired boy next to him seemed ticked off, talking to his brother in a hushed voice. He had no doubt in his head that Jeno didn’t even tolerate the pity for longer than five minutes. Jeno didn’t have a very high tolerance for other people._ _

__He didn’t see Chenle that day. He doubted he would’ve showed up if someone caught him trying to jump off a bridge either._ _

__He wondered if he was okay, but in the end there was nothing he could do, was there? People like that have to learn to accept help first._ _

__Mark passed him in the hallway, surrounded by his troupe of adoring followers, he waved as usual. “Did the counsellor-”_ _

__“He did.”_ _

__Mark hummed, “Did you-”_ _

__“I didn’t.” He fidgeted with his sleeves, itching to just go. He couldn’t stand talking to Mark at school, his friend group was terrifying, and they were all eyeing him with scrutiny. He knew damn well what the school thought of him, the Lee family’s antisocial loner._ _

__“‘Kay.” Mark didn’t push it. “You want to sit with-”_ _

__“See you at home,” He turned on his heel, not letting one see as he breathed out a giant sigh of relief. It felt like whatever was clogging his stomach just disappeared. It was easier to just not talk sometimes._ _

__“I can’t believe you two are related,” Said a snarky voice behind him. His brother laughed awkwardly. Mark wasn’t cruel, he was just non-confrontational, and Jisung couldn’t care less. He wouldn’t have defended himself either._ _

__-x-_ _

__He was back on the bridge that night._ _

__His back was to the guardrail, and his earbuds blasting yet another pointless song about love. Anyone who believed in love was either a fool, or they were Mark Lee._ _

__Jeno’s light had been on when he left. If he hadn’t heard the quiet sniffling, he would’ve thought he was doing homework. If he was Taeyong, he would’ve tried to comfort him, but he wasn’t. He barely knew how to cope with anything himself._ _

__Every time he reached into his bathroom drawer, he was reminded of just how shittily he coped with everything._ _

__“You’re here today?”_ _

__He looked up. “You weren’t at school.”_ _

__Chenle shrugged, his hair was back to black (This observation came with the thought that he really liked the green, it had reminded him of the time that Taeyong and Ten stood in their bathroom and dyed Taeyong’s hair a bright green). Chenle stood holding a bag of snacks from the convenience store, the other hand shoved into his pocket. He looked much better than yesterday. “Maybe I skipped to dye my hair.”_ _

__He looked away, fiddling with his sleeve, “Maybe you did.”_ _

__He didn’t expect Chenle to sit down next to him, and hand him a box of pepero. Strawberry. “Thank you. For last night,” said the chinese boy softly._ _

__“I didn’t do anything.”_ _

__“You underestimated how many people just want someone to talk to. Sometimes it makes all the difference.” Chenle opened his bag of chips, frowning at the air to chip ratio. “Besides, I wanted to at least talk to you one more time.”_ _

__He blinked, “Before you die? That’s an odd thing to hang on for.”_ _

__“Whatever works, right? Yesterday was a bad day. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. That today was a bad day, and that everything will be over soon.”_ _

__“It’s not over is it.”_ _

__Chenle nodded, he hasn’t even eaten a single chip. His hand just idly lingering above the bag. “I don’t know anymore. I don’t even know if half the thoughts in my head are mine.”_ _

__“Why are you telling me?” He asked. “There’s better people out there you should talk to. Why would you even trust me?”_ _

__“Because I have no one else to talk to,” Admitted Chenle quietly. “Everyone expects me to be this really upbeat person. It’s like I’m just stuck in the category of loudmouth who occasionally cheers people up.”_ _

__“What makes you think that I’m any different.”_ _

__“Stupidity and naivety. That and the desperate need for a friend. And besides, you already saw me at my lowest.” Chenle smiled at him. “What do you say?”_ _

__Jisung blinked, taken back by the rather straightforwardness of his statement. “I’m not a good friend, you know.”_ _

__“How would you know?”_ _

__“I-” He didn’t. The last time he had a friend was back into elementary school. He spent his childhood studying with his brothers at the kitchen table. He didn’t have time for hanging out with other kids. The only time he ever interacted with anyone, was dance class, and he had long since stopped those. He went to middle school a year earlier, and he just didn’t know how to talk to anyone in his class._ _

__He sighed, “I guess I wouldn’t know.”_ _

__“So what’s your favourite snack?” Chenle had resorted to crumbling all the chips, and dumping it into his mouth. He looked at him with a mouthful of crumbs, before dumping more into his mouth. A rather endearing way of eating chips, he supposed._ _

__“What?”_ _

__“Well if we’re going to be friends-”_ _

__“Anything melon flavoured, I guess,” He muttered. “How did you know I’d be here tonight?”_ _

__“Lucky guess.” He crumbled the empty bag, and stuffed it into his pocket._ _

__Jisung pulled his sleeve down, and fidgeted with it quietly. “You want to go get coffee? I’ll pay.”_ _

__Chenle did a double-take, and asked softly, “You’ll pay.”_ _

__“Yeah?” He stood up, and dusted off his jeans. He offered Chenle a hand, and the boy took it with a smile. “It’s got these really good cakes, but they’re too sweet for me. Taeyong really liked the strawberry shortcake, I used to bring one home for him every time I went.”_ _

__He didn’t want to see the look on Chenle’s face. He kept his head down, and walked forward. Chenle quickly ran to catch up. “Injun really likes mochi, do you think I should get him some? Do they even have any?”_ _

__“Not at midnight.”_ _

__“Have you done the homework yet? For chemistry? Honestly I wanted to take biology because it’s easier, but all the classes were full, so now I’m just stuck memorizing the periodic table.”_ _

__He nodded, turning at an intersection. “I did.”_ _

__His mother had insisted that he took all three of the sciences. She was the one who filled out his course selection form for him. And Jeno’s. Not Mark’s though, he had ‘accidentally’ already filled, and handed it in, in class._ _

___(It was Sunday morning, and their mother just left the breakfast table to go to work. Their father was still on his business trip to China. Taeyong leaned forward conspiratorially, “Listen guys, I know mom and dad are going to select your courses for you again. So I may or may not have secured some blank copies you can fill out in advance.” Taeyong smiled at them. “Want one?”_ _ _

___Jeno shook his head, Mark on the other hand, lit up, “Seriously dude? Of course I want a copy. When did you do this?”_ _ _

___“My last high school years. I thought you guys would’ve wanted some electives for your last few years.” He looked at Jisung, “Jisung?”_ _ _

___Jisung didn’t care either way. He had a feeling that mother would be pissed if he didn’t even bother to consult her. He would rather just do all the things his mother dictates, instead of getting screamed at for an hour or two. “I’m good.”_ _ _

___“You could do dance again-”_ _ _

___“I’m good.” He looked at Taeyong, “Can I be excused now?”) ____ _

____“God, I’m so tired of chemistry already,” Complained Chenle. He was following him blindly, noticed Jisung. He was way too trusting. “I’m tired of school already. I-”_ _ _ _

____“You don’t have to fill up the silence, you know?” Mumbled Jisung. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, staring ahead. “Mark has the same habit. He needs to make constant small talk, no matter if you know him or not.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle sighed, “I can’t deal with silence. My parents are never home, and the house is always so quiet.”_ _ _ _

____“Only child?”_ _ _ _

____“Unfortunately. You know, people used to make jokes about the lonely child or whatever. I used to laugh, because I didn’t really realize that I was kind of lonely. Which by the way, I realized that while I was pouring myself a box of lucky charms in grade seven. Oddly specific memories, am I right?”_ _ _ _

____Jisung laughed quietly, “I used to blast EXO’s ‘into my world’ while my parents fought, and now everytime I hear that song, I just remember my parent’s screaming. The first time I picked up a razor, I was playing 26 in the background, one of Paramore’s most optimistic songs, and now it’s ruined.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle half-coughed, half-laughed, “Was your shaving really that bad?”_ _ _ _

____“Oh. Well, I wasn’t shaving.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle froze, “I didn’t-”_ _ _ _

____“It’s stupid. I never even admitted it until now. The next day, I remember I was eating udon with Taeyong, and I couldn’t roll up my sleeves, because I didn’t want him to worry.”_ _ _ _

____“The bridge wasn’t the first time I almost jumped,” Admitted Chenle, he was averting his gaze. “The first time was a bottle of pills, and when my mother told me to do better next time.” He wiped the tears off his face quickly. “I’m sorry, I-”_ _ _ _

____Jisung stopped, and pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to go through that alone.” A voice in his head told him that it wasn’t just Chenle he was talking to. He ignored it, and held on tighter. “You barely know me, but I will be there for you.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle broke down completely, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do anymore, to be completely honest.”_ _ _ _

____“It’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.”_ _ _ _

____His brother told him once, that when people are crying, they didn’t want a solution, they just wanted someone to tell them that they were going to be okay. And after weeks of stifling his sobs as he cried into his sheets, he had understood what his brother meant._ _ _ _

____Hurt was nothing but a scared little child who wanted a hug._ _ _ _

____For a moment, there they stood. In the middle of the sidewalk, he hugged him tighter, whispering quietly about how everything will be fine. That he was fine. And all Chenle could do was cry._ _ _ _

____He didn’t know him, and a few weeks ago, he hadn’t even had a full conversation with him. And now here he was, hugging him like he won’t ever let go. Still complete strangers, but he now realized something, he never wanted to hear him cry ever again._ _ _ _

____“I’m sorry, I-”_ _ _ _

____“Please don’t apologize.”_ _ _ _

____“But I-”_ _ _ _

____“Dude, it’s fine. I think. Do you want a tissue or something? Wait no, I don’t actually have a tissue, that’s kind of-”_ _ _ _

____Chenle pulled away, laughing quietly while wiping his tears. “You’re a dork.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m awkward.”_ _ _ _

____He never figured out how to socialize. He memorized entire Walt Whitman poems when he was a kid, because his mother said it stimulated the mind. He did all the stupid classes his mother signed him up for as a kid. His schedule was so full, he never had the time to hang out with other kids. He spent recess indoors because his mother liked loading him with work that was above his class’s level. Kids thought he was weird and mute, so they never bothered. He never bothered either._ _ _ _

____So why was it when his mother made the teacher reassess his level, he failed most of it on purpose? He only advanced one grade up, because they had tricked him, and given him grade eight questions, and even failing half of them meant he was much more advanced than his classmates._ _ _ _

____“You’re endearingly awkward. And really nice.”_ _ _ _

____He shook his head, “Let’s just get coffee, okay?”_ _ _ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

____Everything was okay. Everything was fine, he whispered to himself quietly over and over again. The voices in his head overlapped his own whispers, they always did._ _ _ _

____He looked in the mirror one last time before he left the bathroom, ignoring the red blooming in the corner of his vision. He washed his hands, his arms, wiping it down with a black towel before he rolled his sleeves back down._ _ _ _

____He had studying to do._ _ _ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

____“Good morning, Jisung.”_ _ _ _

____Jisung looked up, and smiled, “I don’t think it was the intention to say good morning at one in the morning, Lele.”_ _ _ _

____“It’s still technically the morning.” Chenle smiled, “Come on, I want to go to the playground today. I saw these stupid aesthetic pictures on pinterest and I want to recreate them.”_ _ _ _

____They weren’t meeting at the bridge anymore. Today, it was a park near Jisung’s house. He used to go there with Taeyong, and his brother would hold him on his shoulders. He used to wander here the first few nights after Taeyong left. He stole Taeyong’s old phone, and blasted his brother’s shitty playlist._ _ _ _

____It wasn’t as bad as he thought it was._ _ _ _

____“Race you to the swings.” With that, he bolted. He slowed down when Chenle was near, and watched as the raven-haired boy raced past him._ _ _ _

____“I won!” Exclaimed Chenle loudly. He looked so happy at the most simplest of things. He couldn’t see that boy on the bridge anymore, but some nights he did. Some nights weren’t as bright. Chenle cried about a shitty mark, and the next day, Jisung dragged him over to the library, and they studied until the library closed._ _ _ _

____Some nights, they just sat in silence, sharing one earbud and humming along occasionally. Those were one of his favourite types of night. Chenle would tolerate his sad song playlist, and in return he didn’t complain about the stupid bubblegum kpop songs that Chenle liked so much._ _ _ _

____He smiled. “Do we still have to recreate your stupid playground pictures?”_ _ _ _

____“They’re not stupid, you’re stupid,” Shot Chenle immediately. He was laughing._ _ _ _

____He didn’t mention that most of the photos were meant for couples to recreate. He didn’t complain either, when Chenle insisted on pushing him on the swings afterwards._ _ _ _

____Just two lonely boys making each other feel less lonely. School seemed less cold too. Every morning, Chenle would drag his chair over, and start chattering about god knows what, while he nodded sleepily._ _ _ _

____“Taeyong used to take me here.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle stopped pushing him, standing off to the side, he leaned onto the pole. “He did?”_ _ _ _

____“Mark and Jeno were inseparable as kids. They always did their stupid twin thing, so Taeyong would make sure I didn’t feel so lonely.”_ _ _ _

____“He sounded-”_ _ _ _

____“He sounds,” Insisted Jisung stubbornly. “He’s a great person. I wish the two of you could meet. I think he’ll be happy that I finally found a friend.”_ _ _ _

____“Jisung you have to-”_ _ _ _

____“Don’t.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle sighed, “Get off the swing, idiot.”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t want to.”_ _ _ _

____“Sungie, you know I’m here for you, right? I won’t judge you for anything.”_ _ _ _

____He looked pretty, noted Jisung to himself. He wanted to kiss him. As soon as he thought that, he froze. He wasn’t attracted to boys, he wasn’t really attracted to anyone. The last time he thought he was attracted to someone was when he found them pretty._ _ _ _

____“I’m fine, you know that.”_ _ _ _

____“I have a hard time believing that,” Chenle crossed his arms. “That night we met, you weren’t just walking by the bridge, right? You were going to jump.”_ _ _ _

____“I-”_ _ _ _

____“It’s not exactly common for someone to know how high of a jump it is. You probably did research on the Mapo bridge for the same reason that I did,” Chenle accused. “You were going to jump.”_ _ _ _

____“I-”_ _ _ _

____“Your habit of pulling down your sleeves-”_ _ _ _

____Jisung shoved his hands in his jacket pocket, “I don’t cut.”_ _ _ _

____“First of all, I was going to say that was your nervous habit. You tend to do it when you’re uncomfortable.” Chenle looked at him weirdly, “Jisung, do you still-”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t,” Snapped Jisung, he stood up from the swing, grabbing his discarded backpack from the ground. “I said I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about any of this.”_ _ _ _

____“Sungie, wait-”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t need your concern, I’m fine.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m still going to be concerned regardless, because I care about you, idiot!” Chenle grabbed his hand as gently as he could. Of course he would avoid his arms. “You have to stop acting like nothing has happened eventually. You can’t cope like-”_ _ _ _

____“Lele, if you really do care, drop it.” He could’ve yanked his arm out of his grasp, but he didn’t. “Please.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle looked at him sadly, “You’re never going to get over it if you-”_ _ _ _

____“I’m fine, for fuck’s sake! Mark and Jeno are both going abroad to university, neither of parents are focusing on me right now, it’s great. And for once in my life I have someone, what’s not okay with any of this.”_ _ _ _

____“Want a hug?”_ _ _ _

____His shoulders slumped, and he dragged Chenle into a hug. “That would be nice.”_ _ _ _

____“We’re still going to talk about this later,” Said Chenle, his voice muffled by Jisung._ _ _ _

____And a few seconds later, Jisung muttered, “You’re kind of short, you know?”_ _ _ _

____Chenle kicked him. The two of them burst out laughing. He liked that sound a lot. He ignored how despite his laughter, Chenle had worry in his eyes._ _ _ _

____“It’s late. Wanna come over?” He never asked that before. He stayed over at Chenle’s house a few times, and texted Mark that he “left early”. This wasn’t technically unusual, but it was._ _ _ _

____“I can take care of myself, you know?”_ _ _ _

____“You could, but maybe I want company.” The house felt emptier than usual. He didn’t want to experience something so bright, then be right back into the dull, dull place he called home._ _ _ _

____“You okay?”_ _ _ _

____He grabbed Chenle’s hand again and started walking. “I don’t know. I never had a good relationship with Mark and Jeno. But I don’t want them to leave. I’ll be all alone, and my parents will only have me to criticize. I mean they’re busy with work a lot of the time, and they’re barely home, especially because we’re all older now but-”_ _ _ _

____“I’ll be here, you know. I’m not going to leave.” Chenle frowned, “If your parents aren’t ever home, then why do you have to sneak in and out of the house.?”_ _ _ _

____“They come back later sometimes. It’s better to avoid the potential lecture.”_ _ _ _

____Not that they’ve been coming home much anyways._ _ _ _

____“You have a tendency to avoid things, and do things just to avoid conflict. Did you know that? You study almost all the time because it's easier for you to do that, instead of arguing.”_ _ _ _

____“It’s pointless. Either way I’ll have to do what my mother asks, it’s less complicated, and she doesn’t get angry. I mean, I’m the youngest, I already get to see all the outcomes to going against my parents.”_ _ _ _

____“When did you stop caring?”_ _ _ _

____Jisung shrugged, before admitting, “They were less hard on Yongie if I cooperated. So I just didn’t argue, because Taeyong used to look so tired all the time. Everyone thinks he’s effortlessly perfect, but he worked harder than anyone.”_ _ _ _

____“You have a stupid mentality.”_ _ _ _

____“Thanks, asshole.” Jisung opened the back gate, and opened the laundry room window quietly. “Just climb in. Be careful, there’s a laundry basket right under the machine. And be really quiet.”_ _ _ _

____“I think that goes unsaid,” Chenle lifted himself up, and swung a leg over the windowsill. “See you on the other side, Jisung Lee.”_ _ _ _

____He snorted, “You’re so dramatic.”_ _ _ _

____“If I were dramatic, I would be asking for a good luck kiss.”_ _ _ _

____He pushed Chenle, ignoring the indignant, “hey!” Chenle slid inelegantly off the washing machine, and stumbled. He quickly swung himself into the laundry room, sliding to the ground without a sound. Chenle muttered, “I thought you said to be quiet. That defeats that whole purpose.”_ _ _ _

____“React quieter. Not my fault.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle shoved him lightly. He shoved back teasingly. They stumbled through the hallways, giggling to themselves. The house didn’t seem so empty, he noted. He held a finger to his mouth, as they went up the stairs._ _ _ _

____But that made the two of them burst into another fit of laughter. He laughed as he dragged Chenle towards his room, only to freeze as soon as he turned. Chenle crashed into him as he did. “Shit.”_ _ _ _

____Mark stared at him wide eyed from the hallway. There was a glass of water in his hands, and Jisung thanked god that this wasn’t one of those days that he slept without a shirt. “What the hell?”_ _ _ _

____Chenle peeked out from behind him, “Shit indeed.” He waved at Mark, “Hello captain.”_ _ _ _

____Jisung froze, “It’s not what it looks like.”_ _ _ _

____Mark smiled. He didn’t expect that. “That’s why you’ve been happier lately. It’s okay Jisung, you’re still my little brother.”_ _ _ _

____“We’re not-”_ _ _ _

____“You don’t have to explain anything.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle laughed, holding his hand tighter, “Come on, Sungie.”_ _ _ _

____Mark stared at Chenle for a moment, “You must really like him, if you let him call you that. Good night, you two.”_ _ _ _

____Jisung scowled, pulling Chenle into his room. “Spare shirts in the third drawer on the left. Make yourself at home.” And with that, he grabbed his pajamas and headed into his bathroom to quickly change._ _ _ _

____When he came back, Chenle was sitting on his bed, and hugging his stuffed bunny, “What did he mean, when Mark said you must really like him? Is Sungie something only your girlfriends call you or something,” He asked._ _ _ _

____“No,” he snapped quietly. “Move over, idiot.”_ _ _ _

____They already had the argument about who slept on the bed, and who slept on the floor. Until they both compromised and both slept on the bed. It was a fair compromise, in his opinion. It stopped being awkward after the first two nights, where they both woke up with clinging onto each other._ _ _ _

____“Boyfriends, then?”_ _ _ _

____“No.”_ _ _ _

____“Sugar daddy?”_ _ _ _

____He winced as he hit his head on the headboard from shock, “What the fuck? No?”_ _ _ _

____“Then what is it?” Asked Chenle, he turned to face Jisung. “Tell me.”_ _ _ _

____“That was Taeyong’s nickname,” He muttered quickly. “He was the only one close enough to call me that.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle froze, “I’m-”_ _ _ _

____“We’re friends, Lele, you can call me that.”_ _ _ _

____Even in the dark, he could see Chenle’s smile. “Friends.” He paused before excitedly saying, “Oh my god, Jisung, let’s do that stupid pinky promise thing they do in movies!”_ _ _ _

____He held out his pinky, “No more bridge jumping.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle laughed quietly, he intertwined their pinkies, “No more bridge jumping.” He brought their hands closer, and kissed it. “Sealed with a kiss.”_ _ _ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

____It wasn’t often he talked to Jeno. Jeno was under enough stress as is, and he was never good at comforting him. Not today though, today Jeno peeked into his room, “Hey Jisung? Mind if I come in?”_ _ _ _

____He looked up, and frowned, “I guess.”_ _ _ _

____“I saw Chenle sneaking out this morning.”_ _ _ _

____“I-”_ _ _ _

____Jeno smiled softly, “I’m happy for you. You look so happy lately.”_ _ _ _

____“We’re not dating.”_ _ _ _

____“He was wearing your favourite shirt. You don’t even let Taeyong touch it.”_ _ _ _

____“Still not dating.”_ _ _ _

____“It’s okay if you are, you know. I will never judge you, and I’m sorry I’ve never been close enough for you to feel comfortable enough to tell me. I just-”_ _ _ _

____“It’s platonic, for fuck’s sake. I would’ve admitted it otherwise.”_ _ _ _

____Jeno’s eyes softened. “Taeyong would’ve been proud either way. He was-”_ _ _ _

____“Shut up.”_ _ _ _

____“-he was so worried about you.”_ _ _ _

____“Leave,” Snapped Jisung bluntly. He pointed to the door, tearing his gaze back into his books. The second the door closed behind Jeno, he broke down. He didn’t need to hear about it either. He meant well, and yet it felt like a stab in his heart._ _ _ _

____What did he normally do when he felt like this? The tiny voice in his head laughed, he went to Taeyong. He couldn’t do that now, could he? So all he could do was wipe the tears off of his face, and bury his feelings into his biology homework._ _ _ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

____“Your birthday’s in a few weeks.”_ _ _ _

____He looked up from his desk, at Chenle. “How do you know that?”_ _ _ _

____“Mark told me.”_ _ _ _

____Of course it was Mark. Mark had already come up to him in the morning, and asked if he wanted to do anything. He quietly excused himself with a quick, “Chenle is waiting for me.” And Mark’s eyes softened immediately, and he didn’t push any further. There was something going on with Mark._ _ _ _

____He didn’t know how to ask. Mark had been unusually attentive, asking him if he wants to go get food, asking him if he wants to go visit Taeyong with him. Even Jeno was trying. Mother was home a lot more often, advice from her therapist. Father, on the contrary, was never home._ _ _ _

____“I don’t want to do anything.” Not unless it was his brother planning it. “I don’t want anything either.”_ _ _ _

____“You actually don’t want anything, or you’re just saying that.”_ _ _ _

____“Can we just not acknowledge it?”_ _ _ _

____Chenle sighed, “You’ll be sixteen.”_ _ _ _

____“I know.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle rested his head onto Jisung’s desk. “Sweet sixteens are overrated anyways. Want cake?”_ _ _ _

____“Equally overrated. All birthday paraphernalia are essentially overrated.”_ _ _ _

____“Hey Chenle,” Called out some classmate, Jisung couldn’t remember his name. “Come over here!”_ _ _ _

____Chenle didn’t even lift his head, “No thanks.”_ _ _ _

____Jisung looked at the classmate apologetically, “It’s okay, you can-”_ _ _ _

____“Don’t wanna.” Chenle pouted, “Jisung do you have food? I’m hungry.”_ _ _ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

____“What’s this song called?”_ _ _ _

____“Dream Attic, Monogram.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle hummed, “It’s a pretty song. Your entire playlist has this super melancholic feeling to it. Kind of makes me less sad.”_ _ _ _

____They sat underneath the playground’s slide, an earbud between the two of them. Chenle had texted him to meet him there. It was evident that he had been crying again. Before Jisung could ask if he was okay, he demanded to listen to his playlist._ _ _ _

____“Want to talk about it?” Asked Jisung, a few seconds after. “I mean we don’t have to-”_ _ _ _

____Chenle sighed, “Do you ever feel like you don’t deserve to be happy? Like eventually you’ll fuck up everything? I don't even know what I’m trying to say.”_ _ _ _

____Jisung awkwardly put the wood chips that he had been fidgeting with to the ground, hugging his knees to his chest. “Um, yeah, I try not to think about that too often. It’s easier to not think about things.”_ _ _ _

____“Not everyone copes with denial, Sungie.”_ _ _ _

____“Not everyone copes by trying to jump off a bridge either, but here we are,” Retorted Jisung with absolutely no malice in his voice. “You don’t have to only hang out with me, you know. Your friends probably miss you.”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t miss them,” Admitted Chenle quietly. “They made me feel lonelier than when I was by myself. Half of them don’t even care about each other. I think we’re all just friends because we’re lonely, to be honest.”_ _ _ _

____“Most friendships are based on mutual loneliness.”_ _ _ _

____“But eventually, you stay for different reasons. I’m here because you make me laugh, and because you’re stupid, and spend way too much money on claw machines. Like just buy the stuffed animal somewhere else.”_ _ _ _

____“I’ll get one eventually,” Whined Jisung quietly._ _ _ _

____Chenle grinned, “You’re adorable.” The grin slid off in a second, and he was just back to looking sad. “But Sungie, are you really friends with me because of how lonely you were?”_ _ _ _

____“I was fine with loneliness. I’m friends with you because I want to be.”_ _ _ _

____They smiled at each other._ _ _ _

____“We should make friendship bracelets,” Said Chenle suddenly, handing his earbud back to Jisung. “Come on Sungie,” He carefully crawled out from under the playground. “Let’s go look for some craft store that’s still open, or something.”_ _ _ _

____Jisung stuffed his phone and earbuds in his pockets, carefully heading out, “I doubt it.”_ _ _ _

____“Fine, fine, let’s go order some stupid kit off of amazon-”_ _ _ _

____“Jeff Bezos is a capitalistic piece of shit, let’s not support him.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle gave him a weird look, “That’s the most you’ve always stood up against something.”_ _ _ _

____“Taeyong.”_ _ _ _

____“Sungie-”_ _ _ _

____“Don’t start on me.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle frowned, “You’ll have to face-”_ _ _ _

____“Fuck off about it, okay? First Mark tries getting me to visit him, and now you’re all-”_ _ _ _

____“Jisung it’s been ten months.”_ _ _ _

____Jisung walked faster, he didn’t even know where he was going, all he wanted to do was go far, far away. He didn’t want to have this conversation. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”_ _ _ _

____“This isn’t healthy.”_ _ _ _

____“Who are you to decide what’s healthy and what isn’t?”_ _ _ _

____“Don’t lash out on me,” Snapped Chenle. “You’re hurt, you've been hurt for god knows how long-”_ _ _ _

____“You don’t know me.”_ _ _ _

____“Fuck off edgelord, it’s not hard to figure you out. You drown any semblance of feelings in your studies. You’ve been doing that your entire life, and now you can’t even do it anymore, because-”_ _ _ _

____He was crying. When did he start crying? He sat down by the sidewalk curb. “Please shut up Chenle.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle sat down next to him, gently patting him on the back. “Hey-”_ _ _ _

____He shook him off, moving away, “Leave.”_ _ _ _

____“No.”_ _ _ _

____“For fuck’s sake, Chenle, leave me alone!”_ _ _ _

____Chenle shook his head, “I’m not going to. We’re friends, right? I wouldn’t-”_ _ _ _

____“If we were friends you wouldn’t have-”_ _ _ _

____“You’re never going to deal with your issues if you don’t even face them! This is the first fucking time you’ve ever had to really deal with something, something that you can’t avoid and-”_ _ _ _

____“Stop psychoanalyzing me!” He snapped._ _ _ _

____“Sungie-”_ _ _ _

____“Don’t call me that!” Jisung stood up, angrily wiping his tears away. “I know, okay! I fucking know he’s- he’s gone! I’ll never see him ever again in my fucking life! I know! Please don’t make me think about it more than I already have!”_ _ _ _

____His brother, the one constant in his life, was dead. And it was all his fault. It was like a bucket of cold water dumped over him all over again. Except this time, all he felt was anger._ _ _ _

____Chenle followed him worriedly, “Jisung-”_ _ _ _

____“I know! He’s fucking dead-”_ _ _ _

____He’s dead. Killed himself, and spent the last goddamn moments of his life dying out in a fucking bathtub. It was his fault._ _ _ _

____“Jisung! You don’t have to-”_ _ _ _

____“Oh fuck off, are you finally happy to hear that?”_ _ _ _

____“I-”_ _ _ _

____He cut Chenle off, “I’m going home.”_ _ _ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

_____Mark was the one who answered the phone. It was during dinner, Jeno had been stuffing his face with instant noodles. When mother and father were away, none of them even ate remotely healthy. Before Taeyong left for university, he would’ve at least nagged at all of them._ _ _ _ _

_____“Hello?” A pause. “Yes this is. Mark Lee speaking. No, our parents are away. I can give you their business information if you’d like. Yeah.” He glanced at Jisung and Jeno, still eating peacefully. “I-”_ _ _ _ _

_____Mark dropped the home phone._ _ _ _ _

_____Jisung would’ve usually just glanced up, and back to his plate, but Mark’s face stopped him. “Are you okay?”_ _ _ _ _

_____“I-”_ _ _ _ _

_____Jeno didn’t even look up._ _ _ _ _

_____Mark was shaking. This was the first time he’s ever seen Mark look so unsettled. “They- they found Taeyong’s body. Suicide. He’s-”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Dead,” Finished Jeno. He went over to his twin and hugged him, “Hey. It’s fine. We’ll be fine.” That seemed to be the first time in a while that the twins hugged each other. “I’ll start making the phone calls.”_ _ _ _ _

_____Mark turned around, “Jisung?”_ _ _ _ _

_____Jisung stared blankly at the food in front of him. It took him three hours to process what Mark and Jeno just said._ _ _ _ _

_____He sat frozen at the dining table as Mark called their parents, and immediately started arranging flights, funeral details. Jeno had started calling Taeyong’s friends, arranging for things to be sent back, and consulting Mark occasionally about the funeral. The two of them were in perfect sync, and for once, Jeno didn’t even bother arguing._ _ _ _ _

_____“Ten said that he’ll drop by with the keys-”_ _ _ _ _

_____Jeno nodded, “I called a moving truck for his furniture.”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Mother and father are going to take care of his funds, did Taeyong leave a-”_ _ _ _ _

_____“He wanted to give everything to Jisung,” Said Jeno, looking up from his phone. “Johnny sent me a photo of his letter to everyone. There’s separate notes inside the envelope, and he’ll send it with Ten.”_ _ _ _ _

_____Mark looked at Jisung, lowering his voice into a whisper, “I don’t know if he’s okay. He’s never dealt with anything. When’s the last time he even had anyone to talk to that wasn’t Yongie?”_ _ _ _ _

_____“He’s in shock,” Whispered Jeno._ _ _ _ _

_____“Shit, what do we do?” Asked Mark. The two of them shared a look. Jeno mouthing something Jisung couldn’t see. Not that he would’ve processed it. He could hear the two of them loud and clear, but he didn’t understand._ _ _ _ _

_____Jeno left, dialling something on his phone. He came back with a blanket, and gently draped it over Jisung, “I ordered some bubble tea. It should be here in a bit. Minhyung, can you-”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Mother says that the hospital's future should be discussed tomorrow, he’s offering you-”_ _ _ _ _

_____Right. Taeyong was supposed to take over mother’s spot in the board of directors. He was studying to be a doctor in Seoul University. That’s what this was all about. Mother had been prepping him all his life._ _ _ _ _

_____“I don’t want to think about that right now, Mark. The last thing I want is another crappy squabble about god knows what. Taeyong’s fucking-”_ _ _ _ _

_____“He’s gone,” Said Jisung quietly. “I’m going to my room.”_ _ _ _ _

_____He didn’t know how Jeno and Mark managed to function so well. Looking back now, that was probably the only thing keeping the two of them from completely falling apart. Mark came to his room after, with a cup of bubble tea. Passionfruit green tea with pearls._ _ _ _ _

_____Jisung stared at the ceiling while taking a few sips at a time. He wanted nothing more than a hug from-_ _ _ _ _

_____That wasn’t possible anymore, was it?_ _ _ _ _

_____He heard chatter coming from the kitchen, until the morning. He also heard screaming on Jeno’s end. And then sobbing. Neither of them left the dining room, except the occasional few times that Jeno or Mark would check in on him._ _ _ _ _

_____Neither of them should’ve been dealing with this. Neither of them should’ve been barely holding themselves together, and dealing with every other aspect of their brother’s death._ _ _ _ _

_____“Go to sleep, Sungie-”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Don’t call me that.”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Go to sleep, Jisung,” Mark smiled, he looked tired, and he looked like he was going to cry. He probably already had. “We’ll take care of everything.”_ _ _ _ _

_____Mother flew back from france the next day, so annoyed about how she had to cut her getaway short. Father came in a few hours after, and Jeno started briefing him almost immediately. Jisung sat in the corner of the living room, he didn’t want to be here. Mother had dragged them all down to the study._ _ _ _ _

_____“He’s been like that since last night,” Said Mark quietly. Jisung looked at him blankly. Did either of the twins even sleep? Judging by the eye bags, and last night’s clothes, neither of them did._ _ _ _ _

_____Mother scoffed, “You guys are doing fine. Don’t be dramatic, Jisung, there are very pressing matters on hand. I have press constantly hounding me about the future of the hospital. And not even that, all my coworkers have been giving me judgemental stares, all fucking morning. God, right in his dorm too, I did try to argue against the dorm idea, but no, someone thought it was a good idea to let him make his own decisions. Look how that turned out!”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Are you seriously trying to start a fight here? Because if anything you’re the reason why he’s dead!”_ _ _ _ _

_____“How am I the reason? I was the reason he didn’t turn out to be a failure. It was your genetics that made him so fucking weak!”_ _ _ _ _

_____“It was your constant coddling, and strict parenting that brought this on. Don’t you even dare try to blame it on me!”_ _ _ _ _

_____“At least I was a parent! You weren’t even there-”_ _ _ _ _

_____“I was working on the family’s future!”_ _ _ _ _

_____“So was I, and now he’s dead. All that fucking work down the fucking drain-”_ _ _ _ _

_____“SHUT UP!” Screamed Jisung, he clutched his head, nails digging into his scalp. He was crying, hot tears running down his face. “MY BROTHER IS FUCKING DEAD! YOUR STUPID FUCKING ARGUMENTS ARE DOING ABSOLUTELY JACKSHIT! News flash! Neither of you have been very good parents.”_ _ _ _ _

_____Maybe it was the shock factor of their quietest child screaming, or maybe that screaming was the one wakeup call they needed. Jisung broke down, hugging his knees to his chest._ _ _ _ _

_____Jeno started laughing, cackling maniacally._ _ _ _ _

_____Mark blinked, “He’s right, you know. You guys have been shit parents. Want to know something? It shouldn’t have been me answering that call. I had the joy of some stranger telling me that my brother was dead. I’m sixteen! And you know what, you know who was taking care of everything? Jeno and I!”_ _ _ _ _

_____“I told you Jisung was the runt of the pack,” Snapped their mother. “This is all because Taeyong babied him so much.”_ _ _ _ _

_____“That’s your takeaway? I couldn’t reach either of you! I’m sixteen, I don’t know how to tell you this, but normally, sixteen year olds shouldn’t be planning their brother’s funerals. Fuck both of you, honestly.”_ _ _ _ _

_____Jisung looked up, and muttered, “You guys are real shit parents.”_ _ _ _ _

_____“You guys are ungrateful,” Mother scoffed, and stood up. “We wasted so many years-”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Forget it. Ten’s stopping by to drop off Taeyong’s keys. I need to take care of his things, clothes and everything. Jeno-”_ _ _ _ _

_____“I’ll take care of the funeral,”Jeno stood up. “Come on, Jisung. I’ll order you some food, okay? You probably hadn’t even had breakfast yet.” He gently helped Jisung up. “Fuck both of you.”_ _ _ _ _

_____One of the only times that all of them had been completely united. One of the last times too. After the funeral they were back to falling apart at its seams. Jeno was back to his self-destructive habits in an attempt to be better than Mark. Mark was back to his perfect life in the spotlight, with more pity to fuel his popularity._ _ _ _ _

_____And Jisung was back to being in his shell. Lonely as ever. ____ _ _ _

______-x-_ _ _ _ _ _

______He was walking alone again._ _ _ _ _ _

______-x-_ _ _ _ _ _

______Chenle approached him cautiously, they were back on the bridge. Jisung sent him a text asking him to meet there. It’s been a week since they last talked. It felt rather nostalgic, thank god neither of them were sitting on the guard rail. “Hey.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jisung gestured for him to sit next to him. “Hey.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m sorry-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You were right, you know. I never had to deal with my own issues. Because all I ever did was study and pretend the world wasn;t moving around me. I never had to deal with friendships, or relationships. And at the end of the day, I had my brother.” Jisung tilted his head so that the night wind would blow through his hair as he stared at the night sky. “I didn’t know how lonely I was until I looked back. I just didn't think about things, and if I put it off to the side, I’d stop caring. I just did whatever my mother wanted me to.” He fidgeted with his sleeve, pulling it down and over his hands._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I thought if I acted like nothing ever affected me, it would be easier to stop caring. I was kind of right. Turns out feeling nothing is a serious sign of depression. Who knew?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Chenle gave him a pointed look, “Most people.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Taeyong used to be really worried about me. Looking back, I guess I understand why.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Regardless, I had no right to say any of that, to push you. I had no right to say half the shit I did. I’m sorry.” Chenle sighed, “I shouldn’t have pushed you so far. It’s hard to remember you’re grieving sometimes. I haven’t dealt with death before, especially not anyone so close to me. You don’t have to forgive me-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s okay, I forgive you. Someone had to tell me that eventually.” He patted Chenle on the back gently, “Sometimes it really does feel like everything’s getting better. Hey Lele, wanna hear something stupid?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Chenle leaned his head onto his shoulder. “Sure.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re my first friend. It took me sixteen fucking years to realize that I was lonely.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“That’s not stupid.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“It is to me. My mother never really considered friendships as important as things such as studying, and sucking up to my parent’s coworkers on both sides. God, if it wasn’t for Taeyong, I would’ve been so incredibly socially and emotionally stunted.” He paused, “I meant more than I already am.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re not that bad, Sungie.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Mm.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Want to hear something stupid?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jisung looked at the boy, head still on his shoulder, “Nothing you ever say will be stupid. At least I won’t think it’s stupid.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You’re the first real friend I’ve made. Since elementary school. But I doubt that really counts. Kids like everyone.” Chenle smiled. “I’m glad we became friends.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______After a few silent moments, Jisung pulled out his phone, offering his earbud to Chenle. Chenle accepted it with a small smile, “What song is this?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Rooftop. N.Flying.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Chenle hummed. “It’s a pretty song.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______-x-_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Happy birthday, Sungie,” Chenle smiled at him, putting a small bakery box containing a slice of cake on his desk. “I have candles in my backpack, but I doubt we could light anything on fire.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Pull a Heathers on this entire school sounds like a great birthday idea?” Said Jisung teasingly. “At least one alternate universe where JD successfully blows up the school.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“How about you eat your cake and fantasize about blowing your entire school up some other time, edgelord.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jisung laughed, to the surprise of several classmates nearby. “Thank you Lele.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I didn’t even know he could talk,” Whispered one of them to the others. Chenle and Jisung shared a knowing look. Half annoyance, half amusement. “Anyone notice he’s kind of cute?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jisung choked on his cake, he coughed loudly. “Anyway uh-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You want to go to the arcade after school?” Asked Chenle quickly. “I bet I could beat you in Luigi’s mansion.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“One, that games technically more of a working together type thing-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“But I can still get a higher score than you,” Insisted Chenle stubbornly._ _ _ _ _ _

______“-And two, I have somewhere to be.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Oh?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I’m going to visit my brother-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you need me to come?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jisung sighed, “I think this is something I’ll have to do myself. I’ll call you after, I can beat your ass at Luigi’s mansion after this.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Chenle beamed, “I’m happy for you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Shut the fuck up, Lele.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Self improvement! Look at us! Who’s doing it like-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jisung threw his fork at Chenle, “No one cares about self improvement. Shut the fuck up and watch me eat my cake in peace.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Always so kind, aren’t you?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He stuck his tongue out childishly. Chenle mindlessly intertwined their hands, a small smile on his face._ _ _ _ _ _

______-x-_ _ _ _ _ _

______He sat down on the grass, and took a deep breath._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It’s been a while, hyung. I'm sorry I didn’t visit earlier” He sighed, “It’s my birthday today. I mean, you already know that, but I- I don’t know what to say. I wish you could’ve seen this when you were alive. I’m not so lonely anymore, you don’t have to keep looking at me worriedly when you don’t think I’m looking. I miss you a lot.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jisung pulled out a confectionary box, containing a cupcake from Taeyong’s favourite bakery. He placed it on the grave, and stood up. He dusted himself off. “Anyways, I’m doing fine. There are some days where it’s hard to get out of bed, and all I want is to hug you again. Everything’s a lot brighter. You don’t have to worry about me anymore.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He stuffed his hands in his pockets, and left._ _ _ _ _ _

______-x-_ _ _ _ _ _

______“-YOU SUCK JISUNG!” Screamed Chenle, aiming his gun at some random ghost. “WHO THE FUCK SPENDS THEIR FREE TIME FIGURING OUT THE ENTIRETY OF LUIGI’S MANSION?!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jisung shrugged, “Taeyong kept beating me at this game.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Normally kids just keep playing the game over and over again, not memorize the exact appearance and location of every ghost and every- FUCK,” Chenle slumped. “I’m dead.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I told you I could beat you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You can’t beat my awesome claw machine skills.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Claw machines are completely luck based. There is only a slight probability that the claw will support the weight of whatever stuffed animal you picked up. The strength is basically randomized so that you can’t guess when the claw will be the strongest. Unlike stupid arcade games-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Chenle stared at him open mouthed, “I knew you were top of our class but-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jisung shrugged, “Mom made me write an essay about arcade dynamics everytime I wanted to go to the arcade.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______He sucked a ghost into his vacuum-gun mindlessly, muscle memory for him at this point. “I mean we all have really dumb, niche things that we have an odd amount of knowledge on. Jeno could probably tell you most AI behaviour from his mini habit of decompiling video games for fun.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Chenle watched the arcade screen with avid interest. “I don’t know. I’m not that interesting. Or smart. I feel like it’s a quirky thing for an YA protagonist to do. Main character things. John Green type main characters.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Jeno as Hazel Grace,” He snorted at the image._ _ _ _ _ _

______“But like, no romanticizing cancer.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“No romanticizing cancer,” Agreed Jisung. “Did you know Taeyong cried when he read that book? I walked in on him crying while reading that book once in grade four. He was always such a fucking hopeless romantic.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Most people are hopeless romantics, especially when you grow up with all these stupid fairytales, and pretty stories. It’s kind of stupid. No one’s going to fix you entirely, and no one’s presence is going to magically make you okay. You know, I have a hard time believing that anyone lives happily ever after.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Fuck,” Jisung cursed quietly as he lost a heart. “I mean, I agree. Love is absolute bullshit.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I never said love was bullshit. I said the stories we read as kids are.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jisung lost another heart. “Sounds like someone who didn’t spend their childhood listening to their parents scream at each other.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, I did. The only difference is that I know I’m going to be more than my parents.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jisung sighed as he lost another heart. He was normally a lot better at this, but then again, he normally didn’t have Chenle beside him, crammed next to each other. “That’s the most optimistic I’ve ever heard you.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“A boy told me that if I didn’t jump, life will eventually start getting better. And I think, for the first time in my life, I think so too,” Admitted Chenle quietly. “I have him to thank for even reaching that point in life.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The game over screen flashed as Jisung lost. He was too surprised to even curse quietly about his unexpected loss. He stared at Chenle over the blaring sound, and the flashing lights. “I didn’t fix any of your problems. I just-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You listened. You cared,” Chenle smiled, his eyes were glassy, but all he could see was sincerity. “Thank you Sungie. Happy birthday.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I didn’t do anything-”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Shut up idiot.” Chenle wiped his tears from his eyes quickly. “I’m glad we met, and I’m sorry for that night.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I already forgave you, dumbass.” He was crying too. He was genuinely happy. “Thank you Lele.” Jisung placed down the game’s prop gun. “Come on, let’s go spend money on some really rigged games.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Chenle laughed as he grabbed his hand and led him past all the flashing machines. Neither of them let go. They didn’t need to say it. Neither of them needed to say it._ _ _ _ _ _

_______Thank you for saving my life ____ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading all of this word vomit.  
> I wanted to make it less focused on the romantic aspect of everything, and more on the mutual healing, and dealing with problems. 
> 
> I did a lot of projecting in this lol, and I just wanted to say that it does get better. And you don't need to love yourself to be loved, and helped by others. I'm not saying that friendship, or love heals everything, but a friend who is there for you, who listens, and supports you, goes a long way.
> 
> It'll be okay, so hang in there. And I'll be here for anyone who needs it.  
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/myyueliang)
> 
> I'd recommend suicide hotlines, but my fucking god are they useless. They don't do anything but repeatedly tell you that "Oh I see that you're hurt" and that's it.
> 
> A few end notes I’d like to include after my two month later edit:
> 
> “The first time was a bottle of pills, and when my mother told me to do better next time.”  
> A girl I met at the psych ward messaged me a few months after and told me that they basically OD-ed because I had given them the idea. And her dad just told her to do better next time. I feel guilty as hell for that.  
> “It’s not exactly common for someone to know how high of a jump it is. You probably did research on the Mapo bridge for the same reason that I did,”  
> At my peak of depression I would randomly state a shit ton of suicide facts, because I did so much goddamn research on it. Absolutely no one thought it was fucking strange or concerning.  
> “Most people are hopeless romantics, especially when you grow up with all these stupid fairytales, and pretty stories. It’s kind of stupid. No one’s going to fix you entirely, and no one’s presence is going to magically make you okay. You know, I have a hard time believing that anyone lives happily ever after.”  
> I read too many wattpad stories and YA novels as a kid, and it really fucked with my perception of love. It took me a few years to really realize that there won’t ever be someone who walks into your life with the intent to fix everything.  
> “A boy told me that if I didn’t jump, life will eventually start getting better. And I think, for the first time in my life, I think so too,”  
> I tried toaster bath three times, two times I almost died. One time I was just apprehended under the mental act, and forced to stay at the hospital for a few hours. My mom convinced them I didn’t need to stay overnight even though at the time I needed serious help. Anyways, life is a fucking bitch, but it’s been a few months, and there’s definitely a shit load of ass fuckery that happened but there’s also some good parts. I won’t say that the good parts completely overrode the shitty parts, but when I ask myself if I want to be alive, for the first time in three years, there’s a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I do want to live to see tomorrow. And i think that's enough to be honest.


End file.
